(This is just a long post i'll link to in my profile under SA history, thought it was easier this way for people to understand me viewing my profile. Hope that's ok)
My father passed away about 10 years ago. Prior to that at home it was pretty much a constant stress situation. If i was talking to my mother my father was angry, jealous and hateful towards me, if i was talking to my father my mother blamed me for making her feel sad and alone and unloved. If both were in the same room the atmosphere would instantly turn into extreme awkwardness where nobody said a word, unless arguing ensued.
My mother didn't work and my father had a near deadly accident in the factory he worked at that incapacitated his left arm having no feeling in his hand and extreme pain spikes in his arm, also making him unemployed for years. My mom wanted to divorce, my dad refused. My dad began to use drugs and alcohol and became more and more frustrated and extremely unhappy. His attempts to find a job failed. My mom couldn't stand the air he was breathing.
I also have a 9 year younger sister, and a 15 year younger brother i felt bad for for having un unhappy childhood. Financially we began to have it hard.
I didn't have a private life since my mom constantly sat in my bed watching my television when my dad was watching television in the living room. At the time i was studying graphical and illustratory and advertising at a renomated school in Brussels which was very time absorbing and mentally draining, but i hardly could work at home due to the situation there. I also couldn't leave the house because i was scared what would happen when i wasn't around. I constantly had to mediate between my father and my mother so that it all wouldn't end in tragedy due to my father losing his mind. My father once tried to strangle me, and he sometimes woke me up in the middle of the night in despare and crying.
My father's grandparents hated my mother and my mother's grandparents hated my father, so whenever i was at either of them i was the one being spoken to to agree with them how bad my mother or father was. Nobody ever asked how i felt, i couldn't turn to anyone. Eventually after much fighting in court (which costed the family a lot of money) my dad was forced to leave the house. He refused thus police had to escort him outside. He took up residence in a small house a few hundred meters away from us. Sometimes my father came to our house pleading like a dog with excuses that he had it cold or whatever, but i wasn't allowed by my mother to let him inside, i always had to do the talking so everyone always vented their anger or unhappiness towards me.
My father's health declined due to the drugs and alcohol, he went sick and was hospitalized in intensive care. His liver was ruined, he died two weeks later. It was too embarasing for his fathers parents so i had to lie about his death to everyone that asked, telling them my father died of liver cancer.
So that about wraps it up at home.
At school i was bullied and humiliated from first grader to my twenties. I was always blamed for everything by my teachers, especially one who was my teacher for everything for 6 years (it was an alternative school where one teacher would educate a class year in year out). That teacher constantly made a fool of me infront of my classmates. He emotionally and physically abused me, pulling me by the hair, kicking me, giving me the fault of everything, never saying anything positive about my work, making me feel worthless.
In one anecdote we were going outside to see a smith living relatively nearby, at the middle of the way he forcefully pulls me out of the group without any reason by my hair and yells at me to go back to school alone and sit in class all day long till they're back from the smith. That was in first grade. He didn't care that the road back to school was a highly trafficked and dangerous one or that i sat unsuperviced alone in class all day long.
I was a very sensitive, silent, and small framed boy back then. I never dared to tell my parents since i thought i was doing something wrong.
Even when i was studying in Brussels i was still being made a fool off by certain teachers. When i told one of them i had extreme stomach pains from stress which is why i missed a few days, he bluntly refused to believe me and flat out called me a liar. At the time i also had bad heartpains from stress.
Anyways, back to when my dad died in my early twenties, things were going from bad to worse at school, but i tried to make something out of it for almost two years, which in hindsight was a very bad move on my part since i was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and a burn out
Eventually one evening in summer when i was out having a drink with my friends i completely collapsedq. It was as if every drop of blood was being sucked right out of my body and every organ came to a standstill, i was pale like a white sheet and in extreme pain. All the joy and energy was being ripped away from me.
I started feeling very sick and anxious whenever i was outside or in a room with people, and i started to shiver and sweat and my heart was racing a million miles an hour. Unfortunately the exact day after my nervous breakdown i had to go on vacation with family, it was two weeks of extreme hell. I had no idea what was going on with me so i figured it would eventually go away.
But things got worse to the point i couldn't leave my room and i felt like i was going to drop dead every second of the day. I started feeling very angry and then i fell into a depression. My health declined massively and my weigth dropped to not over 50 kg (i'm 1.8 meters tall), there were entire weeks where i hardly could get out of bed, only to go to the bathroom or get some food. There are entire years that are entirely blank to me now, i sometimes didn't know whether the sun was going down or comming up.
My mother had her own problems so hardly offered any help and i was too scared to help myself. I lost all hope of ever becoming better in the slightest sense. I was scared of dying because i couldn't stand the thought of causing my family further grief. So i kept around like a ghost, holding on to whatever life was still inside my body. So that kept going for about 7 years.
About more then half a year ago i finally was forced to go to a therapist, he immidiately subscribed me medicine, that together with talking quickly started to take away my symptoms, i consider myself cured of SA yet and as that will only happen when i get off of medication. But i hope the symptoms stay away.
I'm slowly starting to get my life back in order, still a ways off of being able to get a job though, but luckily i get some money from healthcare to help me. I still live with my mother but i'm starting to think about getting my own small place. You can imagine that i was ecstatic to become a living, breathing, laughing, relatively fearless person again. My health has increased dramatically.
However, only now i'm starting to realise how much i missed all those years, i'm very aware of how lonely i feel and am. I'm desperate to find someone to love that can also appreciate being with me. It doesn't have to be true love, just a basic affection and care for eachother. More then ten years i've never kissed anyone, or hugged a girl or even dated one. I feel like a virgin, never having lived.
I'm still very insecure and automatically think i'm doing bad whenever i don't get a positive reaction. I feel soooo lonely, even though i have friends and family, but not that someone to really talk to and get loved by.
I think that's about it.
My father passed away about 10 years ago. Prior to that at home it was pretty much a constant stress situation. If i was talking to my mother my father was angry, jealous and hateful towards me, if i was talking to my father my mother blamed me for making her feel sad and alone and unloved. If both were in the same room the atmosphere would instantly turn into extreme awkwardness where nobody said a word, unless arguing ensued.
My mother didn't work and my father had a near deadly accident in the factory he worked at that incapacitated his left arm having no feeling in his hand and extreme pain spikes in his arm, also making him unemployed for years. My mom wanted to divorce, my dad refused. My dad began to use drugs and alcohol and became more and more frustrated and extremely unhappy. His attempts to find a job failed. My mom couldn't stand the air he was breathing.
I also have a 9 year younger sister, and a 15 year younger brother i felt bad for for having un unhappy childhood. Financially we began to have it hard.
I didn't have a private life since my mom constantly sat in my bed watching my television when my dad was watching television in the living room. At the time i was studying graphical and illustratory and advertising at a renomated school in Brussels which was very time absorbing and mentally draining, but i hardly could work at home due to the situation there. I also couldn't leave the house because i was scared what would happen when i wasn't around. I constantly had to mediate between my father and my mother so that it all wouldn't end in tragedy due to my father losing his mind. My father once tried to strangle me, and he sometimes woke me up in the middle of the night in despare and crying.
My father's grandparents hated my mother and my mother's grandparents hated my father, so whenever i was at either of them i was the one being spoken to to agree with them how bad my mother or father was. Nobody ever asked how i felt, i couldn't turn to anyone. Eventually after much fighting in court (which costed the family a lot of money) my dad was forced to leave the house. He refused thus police had to escort him outside. He took up residence in a small house a few hundred meters away from us. Sometimes my father came to our house pleading like a dog with excuses that he had it cold or whatever, but i wasn't allowed by my mother to let him inside, i always had to do the talking so everyone always vented their anger or unhappiness towards me.
My father's health declined due to the drugs and alcohol, he went sick and was hospitalized in intensive care. His liver was ruined, he died two weeks later. It was too embarasing for his fathers parents so i had to lie about his death to everyone that asked, telling them my father died of liver cancer.
So that about wraps it up at home.
At school i was bullied and humiliated from first grader to my twenties. I was always blamed for everything by my teachers, especially one who was my teacher for everything for 6 years (it was an alternative school where one teacher would educate a class year in year out). That teacher constantly made a fool of me infront of my classmates. He emotionally and physically abused me, pulling me by the hair, kicking me, giving me the fault of everything, never saying anything positive about my work, making me feel worthless.
In one anecdote we were going outside to see a smith living relatively nearby, at the middle of the way he forcefully pulls me out of the group without any reason by my hair and yells at me to go back to school alone and sit in class all day long till they're back from the smith. That was in first grade. He didn't care that the road back to school was a highly trafficked and dangerous one or that i sat unsuperviced alone in class all day long.
I was a very sensitive, silent, and small framed boy back then. I never dared to tell my parents since i thought i was doing something wrong.
Even when i was studying in Brussels i was still being made a fool off by certain teachers. When i told one of them i had extreme stomach pains from stress which is why i missed a few days, he bluntly refused to believe me and flat out called me a liar. At the time i also had bad heartpains from stress.
Anyways, back to when my dad died in my early twenties, things were going from bad to worse at school, but i tried to make something out of it for almost two years, which in hindsight was a very bad move on my part since i was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and a burn out
Eventually one evening in summer when i was out having a drink with my friends i completely collapsedq. It was as if every drop of blood was being sucked right out of my body and every organ came to a standstill, i was pale like a white sheet and in extreme pain. All the joy and energy was being ripped away from me.
I started feeling very sick and anxious whenever i was outside or in a room with people, and i started to shiver and sweat and my heart was racing a million miles an hour. Unfortunately the exact day after my nervous breakdown i had to go on vacation with family, it was two weeks of extreme hell. I had no idea what was going on with me so i figured it would eventually go away.
But things got worse to the point i couldn't leave my room and i felt like i was going to drop dead every second of the day. I started feeling very angry and then i fell into a depression. My health declined massively and my weigth dropped to not over 50 kg (i'm 1.8 meters tall), there were entire weeks where i hardly could get out of bed, only to go to the bathroom or get some food. There are entire years that are entirely blank to me now, i sometimes didn't know whether the sun was going down or comming up.
My mother had her own problems so hardly offered any help and i was too scared to help myself. I lost all hope of ever becoming better in the slightest sense. I was scared of dying because i couldn't stand the thought of causing my family further grief. So i kept around like a ghost, holding on to whatever life was still inside my body. So that kept going for about 7 years.
About more then half a year ago i finally was forced to go to a therapist, he immidiately subscribed me medicine, that together with talking quickly started to take away my symptoms, i consider myself cured of SA yet and as that will only happen when i get off of medication. But i hope the symptoms stay away.
I'm slowly starting to get my life back in order, still a ways off of being able to get a job though, but luckily i get some money from healthcare to help me. I still live with my mother but i'm starting to think about getting my own small place. You can imagine that i was ecstatic to become a living, breathing, laughing, relatively fearless person again. My health has increased dramatically.
However, only now i'm starting to realise how much i missed all those years, i'm very aware of how lonely i feel and am. I'm desperate to find someone to love that can also appreciate being with me. It doesn't have to be true love, just a basic affection and care for eachother. More then ten years i've never kissed anyone, or hugged a girl or even dated one. I feel like a virgin, never having lived.
I'm still very insecure and automatically think i'm doing bad whenever i don't get a positive reaction. I feel soooo lonely, even though i have friends and family, but not that someone to really talk to and get loved by.
I think that's about it.
via Social Anxiety Forum http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f26/my-life-314154/
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