-deep breath-
I feel silly for posting so many topics on here... but I guess that's what this site is for
Um, so, I am tired of feeling hideous all the time.
It causes me to stay in the house and pull away from relationships.
I am ruining the friendships I have.
It is not going away, it's only getting increasingly worse.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm crippled.
Part of me wants desperately to see a doctor, to get a diagnosis, just to be able to slap a label on it and be able to come to some acceptance.
But another part is terrified of having one more thing wrong with me
Like, no one is going to want to be friends with the girl who has anxiety, or depression, or BDD, or OCD, etc. And sure as hell no one is going to want to date her. Fall in love with her? Marry her? Have kids with her? LOL! these silly fantasies actually make me laugh.
Legitimately, sometimes i look in the mirror and start laughing my *** off, thinking to myself "Oh god, you are one ugly ****er."
It's honestly incredibly depressing, to feel as though I will be unable to have the future I want because of the way I look, and my negative perspective.
I want to be the sort of girl who brings light to other peoples lives, not the raincloud of despair hovering over everyone's shoulders...
And that's why I don't bother trying to make friends. I don't want friends in the state I'm in, I'd only push them away.
I want to get better first.
But I don't know how to do that.
The other day my dad said to me that I need to "just get over it" and that "everyone has bad days, you just push through it". And he doesn't seem to understand that I don't just have bad days, I never have a single good day. I truly cannot remember the last time I felt physically attractive. I don't know if I ever have. And the worst part of all this is I am constantly complimented.
I have never once been called ugly. I'm not trying to sound like I'm bragging about this, but I've been asked to model, I get complimented by strangers sometimes while walking around, I have a LOT of guys on my nuts. Girls too. To the point where the pressure of the amount of people trying to contact me, putting their heart in my hands when I didn't even ask for it, is driving me crazy. I get extremely stressed out and panicked when I know someone's emotions are entirely wrapped up in me. So anyway, I realize that clearly I am relatively "attractive" to society for the most part.
And it ****ing sucks because, when I try to tell people I feel this way, all my friends just think I'm fishing for compliments.
So I just keep my mouth shut about it and nod my head and say thank you politely with a smile when I'm complimented.
I cry and hyperventilate alone in my room a lot.
I cut myself a lot.
I pick on my face a lot.
I have OCD but I'm starting to try to get it under control, mainly because I am too emotionally exhausted to be dealing with compulsions all night when I just want to rest.
My hips/thighs are practically mutilated from the damage I've done. It's disgusting.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm subconsciously trying to make the outside match how I feel on the inside.
My family is entirely blind to this, no matter how many times I tell them the exact things I typed here, plus more, their only response to me is "Pray to Jesus he's the answer, medicine can't help you like he can."
It hurts. a lot. I feel like the only way they would wake up and realize I'm not faking all this for attention, and that I'm not just being "lazy", I'm actually incredibly fatigued and can't bring myself to move, is if they find me in a puddle of my own blood on the bathroom floor.
But I won't do that, I'm still hoping for a solution. I want to live a healthy life.
I realize no one probably cares. But if anyone read this, thank you. I'd appreciate any input you have to offer.
I feel silly for posting so many topics on here... but I guess that's what this site is for
Um, so, I am tired of feeling hideous all the time.
It causes me to stay in the house and pull away from relationships.
I am ruining the friendships I have.
It is not going away, it's only getting increasingly worse.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm crippled.
Part of me wants desperately to see a doctor, to get a diagnosis, just to be able to slap a label on it and be able to come to some acceptance.
But another part is terrified of having one more thing wrong with me
Like, no one is going to want to be friends with the girl who has anxiety, or depression, or BDD, or OCD, etc. And sure as hell no one is going to want to date her. Fall in love with her? Marry her? Have kids with her? LOL! these silly fantasies actually make me laugh.
Legitimately, sometimes i look in the mirror and start laughing my *** off, thinking to myself "Oh god, you are one ugly ****er."
It's honestly incredibly depressing, to feel as though I will be unable to have the future I want because of the way I look, and my negative perspective.
I want to be the sort of girl who brings light to other peoples lives, not the raincloud of despair hovering over everyone's shoulders...
And that's why I don't bother trying to make friends. I don't want friends in the state I'm in, I'd only push them away.
I want to get better first.
But I don't know how to do that.
The other day my dad said to me that I need to "just get over it" and that "everyone has bad days, you just push through it". And he doesn't seem to understand that I don't just have bad days, I never have a single good day. I truly cannot remember the last time I felt physically attractive. I don't know if I ever have. And the worst part of all this is I am constantly complimented.
I have never once been called ugly. I'm not trying to sound like I'm bragging about this, but I've been asked to model, I get complimented by strangers sometimes while walking around, I have a LOT of guys on my nuts. Girls too. To the point where the pressure of the amount of people trying to contact me, putting their heart in my hands when I didn't even ask for it, is driving me crazy. I get extremely stressed out and panicked when I know someone's emotions are entirely wrapped up in me. So anyway, I realize that clearly I am relatively "attractive" to society for the most part.
And it ****ing sucks because, when I try to tell people I feel this way, all my friends just think I'm fishing for compliments.
So I just keep my mouth shut about it and nod my head and say thank you politely with a smile when I'm complimented.
I cry and hyperventilate alone in my room a lot.
I cut myself a lot.
I pick on my face a lot.
I have OCD but I'm starting to try to get it under control, mainly because I am too emotionally exhausted to be dealing with compulsions all night when I just want to rest.
My hips/thighs are practically mutilated from the damage I've done. It's disgusting.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm subconsciously trying to make the outside match how I feel on the inside.
My family is entirely blind to this, no matter how many times I tell them the exact things I typed here, plus more, their only response to me is "Pray to Jesus he's the answer, medicine can't help you like he can."
It hurts. a lot. I feel like the only way they would wake up and realize I'm not faking all this for attention, and that I'm not just being "lazy", I'm actually incredibly fatigued and can't bring myself to move, is if they find me in a puddle of my own blood on the bathroom floor.
But I won't do that, I'm still hoping for a solution. I want to live a healthy life.
I realize no one probably cares. But if anyone read this, thank you. I'd appreciate any input you have to offer.
via Social Anxiety Forum http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f26/just-overwhelmed-257490/
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