Disclaimer: This is just an idea, and maybe it's been thought of before, but I thought I'd would share it. It may be easier said than done, and maybe it only applies for those people who's anxiety is not too high. Also, appologies if this rambles on a lot, is unstructured or goes too deep. I also have ADHD and have just had caffiene :). I've tried to structure it as much as I can (it even has sections!).
Where does self consciousness come from?
I don't know about other people here but I find that self consciousness largely comes from focusing on making a good impression on people. ie. you are self conscious because you want to make sure you don't do or say something silly/embarrasing/rude etc, and this is because youare essentially focusing on making a good impression on this person.
The people that you don't feel self conscious around are those people that you are REALLY close to like girlfriend, parents or a really close friend...people that you aren't trying to make a good impression with. (This is true for me anyway but maybe not true for those with worse anxiety). In situations where you are REALLY trying to make a good impression, like a job interview, your self consciousness goes through the roof.
Focusing on making a good impression - A safety Behaviour?
I recently thought about the idea that this focusing on making a good impression on people is essentially a safety behaviour. ie, You feel like you need to focus on making a good impression with people because if you don't actively focus on it, then you won't make a good impression. I think in reality, BY focusing on making a good impression, you actually make yourself self conscious, become quiet and withdrawn and stop your personality from coming through, which actually makes a worse impression
But like all safety behaviours, if you are always doing it then you don't know what happens when you don't do it, you just think you know what will happen. So I am thinking of treating this like a safety behaviour and TRY NOT TO CARE about making a good impression when talking to people. Easier said than done perhaps. It kind of feels rude not to try and make a good impression because I am so used to doing it.
I guess self consciousness is also a safety behaviour, but I think it is a behaviour that is secondary (ie. stems from) trying to make a good impression, because self consiousness is one of the ways that you try to make a good impression (by trying to stop yourself to silling/embarrassin things). There are perhaps other things that you do too which stem from wanting to make a good impression, like always trying to be interesting, funny, cool etc.
(NOTE: it is not bad to try and be funny and interesting, but I think you should do it because you want to have an interesting or funny conversation, bot because you want to make a good impression so there is a difference here)
Why doesn't trying to stop being self-conscious work?
If you are trying to not be self conscious directly, but at the same time you don't stop yourself focusing on making a good impression then I don't think you can do it because no matter how hard you try and not be self conscious, you are still wanting and focusing on making a good impression and this is creating that constant flow of self consciousness. It's like trying to stop the bath overflowing but pulling the plug out instead of just turing the tap off. So you have to deal with the root cause which is to stop focusing on making a good impression ( turning off the tap).
Deeper Issues about your personality
There is a depper issue here too I think. Many people will think that they don't have a likeable personality, and so they won't make a good impression if they stop trying to make a good impression. If you believe this then, again, you need to ask yourself if this is a fact of if you are speculating/predicting. In reality I think that the reason that you don't think you have a likeable personality is because you haven't made good impressions on people in the past and they may have rejected you becasue of it. But is this a good way to judge your personality?
I can think of four things off the top of my head why these past examples may not be a good way to judge:
A) These occasions may have been a very long time ago, like at school, and you may have changed a lot since then or have better social skills.
B) They may have also (or almost certainly were if you have had SA for a long time) be occasions where you were TRYING TO MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION on people, not where you were actually letting your true personality show. As a result you may have come across as not genuine, unrelaxed and on edge, or self conscious and quite/withdrawn and it is THAT which people rejected, not your true personality.
C) They may not be many occasions to judge by. EVERYONE will have some people that don't like them (ok well 99% of people) and this is fine. A few people that didn't like you in the past may just be a normal amount.
D) It may not have been rejection per se but just people being indifferent. It's not that they DIDN'T like you but you didn't show any of you. It's hard to really like someone if they don't say anything for instance.
IF these examples from the past were:
a) recent enough that you haven't changed much since then,
b) times when you DID genuinly show 100% of your personality and weren't trying to make a good impression and weren't self conscious or anxious around them at all
c) numerous. In other words, it's not just a few people that didn't like your personality but nearly everyone that you showed it to
d) definately rejections rather than people just being indifferent to you
THEN...there is still hope, but you have to possibly:
- work on your social skills
- find ways to look for people similar to you if you if have unusual interests that others can't relate to
- treat any mood problems such as depression or personality disorders etc.
BUt I think most people will find that perhaps there is at least one reason from the first list why they may not have sufficient evidence that they don't have a likeable personality
Summary
Like all safety behaviours it will take practice to stop focusing on making a good impression. It may be something you have done for years and to stop straight away is unrealistic. It will also be scaring to think that by showing your true personality, you will find there are people who don't like it. However, there will also be people who really do.
But trying to get rid of this particular safety behaviour is the only way you will ever be able to prove to yourself that you do have a likeable personality, you don't need to try and make a good impression on people for them to like you, and subsequesnly you don't need to be self conscious.
Where does self consciousness come from?
I don't know about other people here but I find that self consciousness largely comes from focusing on making a good impression on people. ie. you are self conscious because you want to make sure you don't do or say something silly/embarrasing/rude etc, and this is because youare essentially focusing on making a good impression on this person.
The people that you don't feel self conscious around are those people that you are REALLY close to like girlfriend, parents or a really close friend...people that you aren't trying to make a good impression with. (This is true for me anyway but maybe not true for those with worse anxiety). In situations where you are REALLY trying to make a good impression, like a job interview, your self consciousness goes through the roof.
Focusing on making a good impression - A safety Behaviour?
I recently thought about the idea that this focusing on making a good impression on people is essentially a safety behaviour. ie, You feel like you need to focus on making a good impression with people because if you don't actively focus on it, then you won't make a good impression. I think in reality, BY focusing on making a good impression, you actually make yourself self conscious, become quiet and withdrawn and stop your personality from coming through, which actually makes a worse impression
But like all safety behaviours, if you are always doing it then you don't know what happens when you don't do it, you just think you know what will happen. So I am thinking of treating this like a safety behaviour and TRY NOT TO CARE about making a good impression when talking to people. Easier said than done perhaps. It kind of feels rude not to try and make a good impression because I am so used to doing it.
I guess self consciousness is also a safety behaviour, but I think it is a behaviour that is secondary (ie. stems from) trying to make a good impression, because self consiousness is one of the ways that you try to make a good impression (by trying to stop yourself to silling/embarrassin things). There are perhaps other things that you do too which stem from wanting to make a good impression, like always trying to be interesting, funny, cool etc.
(NOTE: it is not bad to try and be funny and interesting, but I think you should do it because you want to have an interesting or funny conversation, bot because you want to make a good impression so there is a difference here)
Why doesn't trying to stop being self-conscious work?
If you are trying to not be self conscious directly, but at the same time you don't stop yourself focusing on making a good impression then I don't think you can do it because no matter how hard you try and not be self conscious, you are still wanting and focusing on making a good impression and this is creating that constant flow of self consciousness. It's like trying to stop the bath overflowing but pulling the plug out instead of just turing the tap off. So you have to deal with the root cause which is to stop focusing on making a good impression ( turning off the tap).
Deeper Issues about your personality
There is a depper issue here too I think. Many people will think that they don't have a likeable personality, and so they won't make a good impression if they stop trying to make a good impression. If you believe this then, again, you need to ask yourself if this is a fact of if you are speculating/predicting. In reality I think that the reason that you don't think you have a likeable personality is because you haven't made good impressions on people in the past and they may have rejected you becasue of it. But is this a good way to judge your personality?
I can think of four things off the top of my head why these past examples may not be a good way to judge:
A) These occasions may have been a very long time ago, like at school, and you may have changed a lot since then or have better social skills.
B) They may have also (or almost certainly were if you have had SA for a long time) be occasions where you were TRYING TO MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION on people, not where you were actually letting your true personality show. As a result you may have come across as not genuine, unrelaxed and on edge, or self conscious and quite/withdrawn and it is THAT which people rejected, not your true personality.
C) They may not be many occasions to judge by. EVERYONE will have some people that don't like them (ok well 99% of people) and this is fine. A few people that didn't like you in the past may just be a normal amount.
D) It may not have been rejection per se but just people being indifferent. It's not that they DIDN'T like you but you didn't show any of you. It's hard to really like someone if they don't say anything for instance.
IF these examples from the past were:
a) recent enough that you haven't changed much since then,
b) times when you DID genuinly show 100% of your personality and weren't trying to make a good impression and weren't self conscious or anxious around them at all
c) numerous. In other words, it's not just a few people that didn't like your personality but nearly everyone that you showed it to
d) definately rejections rather than people just being indifferent to you
THEN...there is still hope, but you have to possibly:
- work on your social skills
- find ways to look for people similar to you if you if have unusual interests that others can't relate to
- treat any mood problems such as depression or personality disorders etc.
BUt I think most people will find that perhaps there is at least one reason from the first list why they may not have sufficient evidence that they don't have a likeable personality
Summary
Like all safety behaviours it will take practice to stop focusing on making a good impression. It may be something you have done for years and to stop straight away is unrealistic. It will also be scaring to think that by showing your true personality, you will find there are people who don't like it. However, there will also be people who really do.
But trying to get rid of this particular safety behaviour is the only way you will ever be able to prove to yourself that you do have a likeable personality, you don't need to try and make a good impression on people for them to like you, and subsequesnly you don't need to be self conscious.
via Social Anxiety Forum http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f26/reducing-self-consciousness-by-removing-a-safety-behaviour-330961/
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