Hi. I don’t have social anxiety. I’m a loner at a very low ebb. You ladies and gents seem like nice people, so I’d like to get something off my chest, if that’s okay.
I dread leaving the house. When I have to go out, I always think up excuses to avoid it. I’ll put if off for days, or else go without. When I lived alone, I’d even go without food if it meant I could avoid a trip to the shops.
A few days ago, I struck up the courage to go out and about, but everyone seemed to be striking up random conversations with me. In particular, a young Christian couple came intruding on my solitude, probably trying to “save” me or something. They weren’t rude or anything, they left when I asked them to, but I felt very offended and angry. I freaked out and went home.
Once at home, I cried my eyes out. I had been looking forward to that shopping trip. I really need some new clothes. I’d spent days getting into the proper frame of mind, putting down all the negative thoughts, researching what pretty clothes I might find. Now it was all ruined. While I’d been shopping, I’d caught sight of myself in the mirror. I looked grey, ugly, too tall, awkward and nothing like the person I thought I was, tatty old clothes or no.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I’m clever, I’m different and sometimes quite enchanting. But I am a loner and I can’t handle the outside world. After I failed to engage with university, I became unemployed and failed to engage with the workforce. Then when I finally got a job, I stuck at it faithfully, as I would. It was a post far below my gifts and it showed – customers mistook me for management and my colleagues appreciated the very different style of help I brought to the team. I stood out a mile and I shined, as I always do. Then I completely and utterly snapped, as I knew I would.
I quit, even though it was a recession and I didn’t have another job to go into. It was that or go mad. I had completely exhausted every coping strategy. I had nothing left to give. I was deeply depressed.
I never really wanted a job in the first place. Now I definitely don’t. I am afraid. My parents hate that I’m single, unemployed and living with them. I pretend to look for jobs just to keep them happy, but it’s a lie. I don't have a life outside of my head. I have no friends and never did. I don’t understand people. I am always suspicious of them.
I’m not “lonely”. I am frustrated that I don’t seem to fit in the world, no matter how hard I try. Can I hide in my bedroom for the next sixty years or however long? I don’t know what I am expected to do, except go mad.
I dread leaving the house. When I have to go out, I always think up excuses to avoid it. I’ll put if off for days, or else go without. When I lived alone, I’d even go without food if it meant I could avoid a trip to the shops.
A few days ago, I struck up the courage to go out and about, but everyone seemed to be striking up random conversations with me. In particular, a young Christian couple came intruding on my solitude, probably trying to “save” me or something. They weren’t rude or anything, they left when I asked them to, but I felt very offended and angry. I freaked out and went home.
Once at home, I cried my eyes out. I had been looking forward to that shopping trip. I really need some new clothes. I’d spent days getting into the proper frame of mind, putting down all the negative thoughts, researching what pretty clothes I might find. Now it was all ruined. While I’d been shopping, I’d caught sight of myself in the mirror. I looked grey, ugly, too tall, awkward and nothing like the person I thought I was, tatty old clothes or no.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I’m clever, I’m different and sometimes quite enchanting. But I am a loner and I can’t handle the outside world. After I failed to engage with university, I became unemployed and failed to engage with the workforce. Then when I finally got a job, I stuck at it faithfully, as I would. It was a post far below my gifts and it showed – customers mistook me for management and my colleagues appreciated the very different style of help I brought to the team. I stood out a mile and I shined, as I always do. Then I completely and utterly snapped, as I knew I would.
I quit, even though it was a recession and I didn’t have another job to go into. It was that or go mad. I had completely exhausted every coping strategy. I had nothing left to give. I was deeply depressed.
I never really wanted a job in the first place. Now I definitely don’t. I am afraid. My parents hate that I’m single, unemployed and living with them. I pretend to look for jobs just to keep them happy, but it’s a lie. I don't have a life outside of my head. I have no friends and never did. I don’t understand people. I am always suspicious of them.
I’m not “lonely”. I am frustrated that I don’t seem to fit in the world, no matter how hard I try. Can I hide in my bedroom for the next sixty years or however long? I don’t know what I am expected to do, except go mad.
via Social Anxiety Forum http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f35/voice-from-the-hole-397313/
Posts
0 comments:
Post a Comment