What does the average parents expect when they get a daughter? They hope for the best, but they expect to get the average child, right? Someone who will get little jobs when they are young, go to school or get a career so they can support themselves, have a few close friends, get a boyfriend and get married, start a family so the parents can have the joy of grandchildren and see their family continue on. That's what parents want, right? If I had a daughter, I'd at least expect normalcy.
I completed failed at all of it, I turned out to be a defect child. I have more disorders along with my severe SA and it robbed my parents of having normal, successful, self-sustaining child. I never got a job and probably never will, I'm seeking government disability aid. I've been going to community college for 3 years now and am dropping out finally because it's a waste of time and I can't do it anymore. I have zero friends, zero acquaintances, and finally admitted to them that I don't even want any, I like being a solitary hermit, as horrible as that sounds.
I don't want a boyfriend either, and I definitely don't want to have a child in the future. And for some reason, it's that last part that hurts the most. Because I know my mother would love to see her only daughter have a child too and start a family. I fear that I'm actually robbing her of that experience, I feel like I stole something. Mothers love to go through and experiencing grandchildren. My mother never had a big family, and she dreamed of having a big family. If my brothers don't have kids, then I feel even worse. But come on, her own daughter having a child would be more meaningful than a son's girlfriend.
My parents were great parents, did nothing wrong, and yet, their daughter failed.
My two older brothers are quote unquote "failures" as well. They are in the their late twenties and work at a restaurant serving, never gone to college and have no plans to do anything else, never had solid girlfriends. My mother and father were so proud that I was going to college to be something. I was their last hope at a normal, functioning, successful child. And it turns out, due to mental illness, I'm even more non-functional than my older brothers.
I've keeping this all inside, that I just feel so guilty and horrible for having mental illness, that I failed everyone who had hopes for me. Just normal, run-of-the-mill, this-is-what-children-do hopes. My mom was discussing with me last night about whether or not I will finally drop out of college, she wants me to because she knows I can't do it. I want to, as well. But I just feel like the biggest failure if I do that.
Because then, once I sit at home with no job, and no online schooling at least - then it's going to hit badly that I'm disabled and have nothing to do but pursue SSI. I'm fine with it, I know I need it, and I want that security. But I'm too worried about how my parents feel. I expressed this to my mother last night and she got extremely upset and yelled at me that I'm not a failure and I have to stop thinking that immediately, blah blah. She told me I should always express my feelings to her, but once I do, she yells at me to stop it. I feel like she reacted that way because she does feel that disappointment but doesn't want to acknowledge it. The very first thing she said in our conversation was that she was disappointed that I couldn't finish college.
I'm sorry for this mega-long post. Does anyone else deal with this feeling, if they have severe disabling problems like me? How do I deal with this? Any suggestions? It's okay if no one has any advice, I really just needed to get this off my chest.
I completed failed at all of it, I turned out to be a defect child. I have more disorders along with my severe SA and it robbed my parents of having normal, successful, self-sustaining child. I never got a job and probably never will, I'm seeking government disability aid. I've been going to community college for 3 years now and am dropping out finally because it's a waste of time and I can't do it anymore. I have zero friends, zero acquaintances, and finally admitted to them that I don't even want any, I like being a solitary hermit, as horrible as that sounds.
I don't want a boyfriend either, and I definitely don't want to have a child in the future. And for some reason, it's that last part that hurts the most. Because I know my mother would love to see her only daughter have a child too and start a family. I fear that I'm actually robbing her of that experience, I feel like I stole something. Mothers love to go through and experiencing grandchildren. My mother never had a big family, and she dreamed of having a big family. If my brothers don't have kids, then I feel even worse. But come on, her own daughter having a child would be more meaningful than a son's girlfriend.
My parents were great parents, did nothing wrong, and yet, their daughter failed.
My two older brothers are quote unquote "failures" as well. They are in the their late twenties and work at a restaurant serving, never gone to college and have no plans to do anything else, never had solid girlfriends. My mother and father were so proud that I was going to college to be something. I was their last hope at a normal, functioning, successful child. And it turns out, due to mental illness, I'm even more non-functional than my older brothers.
I've keeping this all inside, that I just feel so guilty and horrible for having mental illness, that I failed everyone who had hopes for me. Just normal, run-of-the-mill, this-is-what-children-do hopes. My mom was discussing with me last night about whether or not I will finally drop out of college, she wants me to because she knows I can't do it. I want to, as well. But I just feel like the biggest failure if I do that.
Because then, once I sit at home with no job, and no online schooling at least - then it's going to hit badly that I'm disabled and have nothing to do but pursue SSI. I'm fine with it, I know I need it, and I want that security. But I'm too worried about how my parents feel. I expressed this to my mother last night and she got extremely upset and yelled at me that I'm not a failure and I have to stop thinking that immediately, blah blah. She told me I should always express my feelings to her, but once I do, she yells at me to stop it. I feel like she reacted that way because she does feel that disappointment but doesn't want to acknowledge it. The very first thing she said in our conversation was that she was disappointed that I couldn't finish college.
I'm sorry for this mega-long post. Does anyone else deal with this feeling, if they have severe disabling problems like me? How do I deal with this? Any suggestions? It's okay if no one has any advice, I really just needed to get this off my chest.
via Social Anxiety Forum http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f26/feel-like-a-failure-to-my-parents-409729/
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