Hello,
The reason for this topic is to make others aware of the effects of a relationship break-up for the first time or anytime in their life. I explain from my personal point of view and experience that i am currently facing at the moment and the way in which i am dealing with it, keeping things as positive as possible.
The relationship lasted 6 years. In that time it had ups and downs. I noticed my anxiety kick in as the relationship started to slope and go down hill. What i know from professionals and myself, and its 100% true is that anxiety kicks very early when 'something' is not rite for you personally and if you continue to do things the same way with out making a 'change' anxiety starts to become more noticeable to your self. (providing that you are aware of anxiety and what it does to you personally) if you are not aware then it gets a grip of you making you act differently and feel differently with yourself.
I knew i had to make some sort of change. I knew deep inside that the relationship had to end one day because we just didn't get on and it was causing me problems, it felt like we where playing 'tug a war' with each other, i wanted to do things in my life and she wouldn't let me. I was also accused of a lot of things too, i was made out to be a person that i was not. And in my personal belief having this kind of relationship is wrong.
On the other hand i am not saying i am perfect ether, which i think is important to point out, it is easier to slag someone off to other people and pass the blame. No one is perfect. I have ambitions and set goals which i stick to in life as much as possible. I know that having self ambition and goals is very important to a persons well being, In fact i personalty think that the ones with out goals and ambitions are the ones who don't have much self worth and self esteem for them self. These are easy to loose when you think you are or are in love as you can easily rely on them and think that they will protect you and do everything for you in life. The important thing is to keep your goals always, explain them to your partner, it doesn't matter if they agree or not, but if it causes you a issue that they don't agree, its best to leave the relationship early. it is hard to stick to goals and ambitions, but the hardest things are the ones that pay off in the long term.
I did explain my goals to my partner when we met. she agreed to them and wanted the same. What i have learned is that talk is cheap, its easy to say 'am going to do this', 'am going to do that' and 'i want the same'. But actually doing it is another story. I believed words and as the relationship went on the actual 'doing' and 'working towards the goals' was a no, no on my partners side as well as trying to stop me achieving them by not knowing what they want them self's or keeping there 'real' thoughts and achievements to them self.
I learned that by keeping my goals, i have them still even when the relationship is no longer here. I can change my goals and take different paths to achieve the same goal. But my life was not centered around that one person. It almost was with it been the first long relationship. And yes it hurt when it broke up, it yes my partner who broke it. It felt like my 'life' was damaged and i had nothing. I kept away form friends because i don't want to hear about what my partner is doing and i don't want them to stir anything so i lie low until i recover my inner self from the loss. However I have myself and my goals which have always been the most important.
Anxiety also played a part when the relationship broke. It was there in the relationship towards the breaking up for some time and i knew it was there but i ignored it and tried to carry on best i could and tried to improve the relationship but my partner just wouldn't have any of it to make things work. Staying in the relationship to cover and put off the nasty feelings of the heart break doesn't make a better life.
After the break-up i felt on edge and had really bad days where the anxiety kicked in and i knew i had to cry. The anxiety gave me, rapid heart beat, restlessness, tiredness, sometimes full on energy from adrenaline, head ache, heart palpitations. Actually most (90%) of the anxiety was the same as i had experienced during the unhappiness in the relationship just more full on.
The way i deal with this anxiety. I stopped drinking tea as caffeine causes anxiety. I carried on with my exercise, I go running / jogging - This is very difficult to pull off when feeling heart broken and anxious but once done it made me feel so much better and alive and i felt good to be me. Walks alone in a place where i first tuck my partner when we first met. This is very hard to do also. It brings back happy memory s and made me cry a lot. It made me realize how things did change in the relationship and how unhappy we became. A lot of "why" come in to it, but you can not change a person unless they want to be changed, you can not force someone to be with you, you can not force someone to want the same as you do, and if a person choose to lie that is there own decision and there own anxiety which they have to live with. Drives out even when crying and 'thinking time' to come to terms with things and also to make new friends 'out side my comfort zone' this means friends that don't know my friends. you can find them online and meet them (if your old enough) or join a gym / class and make new friends. It is hard, very hard but it needs to be done, it makes you aware of who you are and what qualities you have. I personally think it is KEY for recovery for your self worth and confidence.
It takes months to recover, but days do get easier, and the dreams of the partner will go away in time. I have sad days, but its about doing things with my time, doing things that i like to do, writing and working towards my goals, focus on work and doing activities that i have not tried yet.
Some tips i would like to share.
#No one can live a life with out anxiety, everyone has it at some point and at different levels.
#Learning what anxiety is, noticing it and learning how to deal with it early so it doesn't have a big effect on you.
#Making changes and trying new things, very hard to do, but once done, even with mistakes you get better at it, and it will in time make you feel confident !
#Think positive and be prepared for anything, Bad things happen to all of us, think of the funny side, your not the only person in the world that has a bad day / week / month or even a rough year. Enjoy the good times you do have and don't take everything so seriously.
# Always stick to your goals, they are important to you personally as a person in order fr you to get the best for you, why ? because you deserve it !
# Do not rely on others all the time, be your own person and do things for you, it makes you appreciate you for you and no someone else taking all the credit.
#Be true to yourself. Been honest goes along way. It also take the weight of lying off your back.
I know there is a lot of information here. Learning about anxiety and people is like learning any other subject. It takes time. I think that the more information people can read about anxiety in general or by peoples experiences and coping mechanisms the better they become at identifying anxiety earlier and learning to deal with anxiety in 'hard' / 'changing' times of life.
Thank you for reading.
Regards
[Simon369]
The reason for this topic is to make others aware of the effects of a relationship break-up for the first time or anytime in their life. I explain from my personal point of view and experience that i am currently facing at the moment and the way in which i am dealing with it, keeping things as positive as possible.
The relationship lasted 6 years. In that time it had ups and downs. I noticed my anxiety kick in as the relationship started to slope and go down hill. What i know from professionals and myself, and its 100% true is that anxiety kicks very early when 'something' is not rite for you personally and if you continue to do things the same way with out making a 'change' anxiety starts to become more noticeable to your self. (providing that you are aware of anxiety and what it does to you personally) if you are not aware then it gets a grip of you making you act differently and feel differently with yourself.
I knew i had to make some sort of change. I knew deep inside that the relationship had to end one day because we just didn't get on and it was causing me problems, it felt like we where playing 'tug a war' with each other, i wanted to do things in my life and she wouldn't let me. I was also accused of a lot of things too, i was made out to be a person that i was not. And in my personal belief having this kind of relationship is wrong.
On the other hand i am not saying i am perfect ether, which i think is important to point out, it is easier to slag someone off to other people and pass the blame. No one is perfect. I have ambitions and set goals which i stick to in life as much as possible. I know that having self ambition and goals is very important to a persons well being, In fact i personalty think that the ones with out goals and ambitions are the ones who don't have much self worth and self esteem for them self. These are easy to loose when you think you are or are in love as you can easily rely on them and think that they will protect you and do everything for you in life. The important thing is to keep your goals always, explain them to your partner, it doesn't matter if they agree or not, but if it causes you a issue that they don't agree, its best to leave the relationship early. it is hard to stick to goals and ambitions, but the hardest things are the ones that pay off in the long term.
I did explain my goals to my partner when we met. she agreed to them and wanted the same. What i have learned is that talk is cheap, its easy to say 'am going to do this', 'am going to do that' and 'i want the same'. But actually doing it is another story. I believed words and as the relationship went on the actual 'doing' and 'working towards the goals' was a no, no on my partners side as well as trying to stop me achieving them by not knowing what they want them self's or keeping there 'real' thoughts and achievements to them self.
I learned that by keeping my goals, i have them still even when the relationship is no longer here. I can change my goals and take different paths to achieve the same goal. But my life was not centered around that one person. It almost was with it been the first long relationship. And yes it hurt when it broke up, it yes my partner who broke it. It felt like my 'life' was damaged and i had nothing. I kept away form friends because i don't want to hear about what my partner is doing and i don't want them to stir anything so i lie low until i recover my inner self from the loss. However I have myself and my goals which have always been the most important.
Anxiety also played a part when the relationship broke. It was there in the relationship towards the breaking up for some time and i knew it was there but i ignored it and tried to carry on best i could and tried to improve the relationship but my partner just wouldn't have any of it to make things work. Staying in the relationship to cover and put off the nasty feelings of the heart break doesn't make a better life.
After the break-up i felt on edge and had really bad days where the anxiety kicked in and i knew i had to cry. The anxiety gave me, rapid heart beat, restlessness, tiredness, sometimes full on energy from adrenaline, head ache, heart palpitations. Actually most (90%) of the anxiety was the same as i had experienced during the unhappiness in the relationship just more full on.
The way i deal with this anxiety. I stopped drinking tea as caffeine causes anxiety. I carried on with my exercise, I go running / jogging - This is very difficult to pull off when feeling heart broken and anxious but once done it made me feel so much better and alive and i felt good to be me. Walks alone in a place where i first tuck my partner when we first met. This is very hard to do also. It brings back happy memory s and made me cry a lot. It made me realize how things did change in the relationship and how unhappy we became. A lot of "why" come in to it, but you can not change a person unless they want to be changed, you can not force someone to be with you, you can not force someone to want the same as you do, and if a person choose to lie that is there own decision and there own anxiety which they have to live with. Drives out even when crying and 'thinking time' to come to terms with things and also to make new friends 'out side my comfort zone' this means friends that don't know my friends. you can find them online and meet them (if your old enough) or join a gym / class and make new friends. It is hard, very hard but it needs to be done, it makes you aware of who you are and what qualities you have. I personally think it is KEY for recovery for your self worth and confidence.
It takes months to recover, but days do get easier, and the dreams of the partner will go away in time. I have sad days, but its about doing things with my time, doing things that i like to do, writing and working towards my goals, focus on work and doing activities that i have not tried yet.
Some tips i would like to share.
#No one can live a life with out anxiety, everyone has it at some point and at different levels.
#Learning what anxiety is, noticing it and learning how to deal with it early so it doesn't have a big effect on you.
#Making changes and trying new things, very hard to do, but once done, even with mistakes you get better at it, and it will in time make you feel confident !
#Think positive and be prepared for anything, Bad things happen to all of us, think of the funny side, your not the only person in the world that has a bad day / week / month or even a rough year. Enjoy the good times you do have and don't take everything so seriously.
# Always stick to your goals, they are important to you personally as a person in order fr you to get the best for you, why ? because you deserve it !
# Do not rely on others all the time, be your own person and do things for you, it makes you appreciate you for you and no someone else taking all the credit.
#Be true to yourself. Been honest goes along way. It also take the weight of lying off your back.
I know there is a lot of information here. Learning about anxiety and people is like learning any other subject. It takes time. I think that the more information people can read about anxiety in general or by peoples experiences and coping mechanisms the better they become at identifying anxiety earlier and learning to deal with anxiety in 'hard' / 'changing' times of life.
Thank you for reading.
Regards
[Simon369]
via Social Anxiety Forum http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f9/dealing-with-a-relationship-break-up-for-the-first-time-303105/
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