My name is Anna and currently I'm 13 years old (14 this july).
When I was still 9 in 2009 in March, my mother died and sence my life has been more diffrent than it has never been in my life. My family changed, friends changed, everyone changed even me.
At the moment when I found out that my mother died, I was sad but I knew at that age my mom will die. I know it's weird to think about that a 9 year old thinks that her mom will die. Weird.
Anyway.. My mothersr funeral was at the 1st of April and it wasen't a fun day for me. I was sad all day and I even didn't go to the funeral, because I thought it was for grownups and blah blah blah.
So the next day, in 2th of April in the evening we went to Rome for a vacation to get a rest about the death of our mom and at that vacation, it wasen't good. At the time there was a protest about someting were was 2,7 million people and a earthquick what wasen't hard but my sister and dad felt it in the night.
I wanted to get a away from the thoughts of my mom and what made me sad.
In 4-5th grade, everything changed. Everyone in my school knew that my mom died and was awerd of that. No one really wanted to talk to me and wanted to hang out and chat for a bit. I felt alone. My only true freind at the time was my sister and that was it.
Older boys knew that as well and they started saying bad words about me. At the time I had short hair and I wore trosusers (school ones) and they looked very ugly but they keeped me warm. I was shy too, everyday.
People said I was ugly, weird, forthless, lesbian (because I was always with my sister) etc.
I didn't have no one at the time.
In the end of 5th grade, I took a test about going to another school and I didn't get in because the class was full at the time. I struggled again another year and it wasen't simple. I still got called by names and I didn't have a lot of friends. I only then had one real friend. Her name is Mari-Ann and she is still my great friend how I know.
I finally got in after 6th grade and everything is more fine. I made friends, I got to do fun stuff and really talk to people personly. It is great here.
At the time I am in this school, I think about my mom mre often than I never had.
I started to think I am worthless and a little girl how lives here and doesn't have a proper life. I want to die sonetimes and kill myself, cut myself etc.
I'm desspred everyday. I think I don't a have positive thing about me and I can't do nothing right.
Let's say, I have depression and I don't like it sometimes.
Some people think, how's like to be that and let's say, it is a deep tunnel where is no end and you feel sad and angry about yourself for a long time.
I can tell you this that I have cut myself.
I always loved singing from a young age and when I was little, I made up my own songs in estonian and english. I loved it but I never wrote it down.
I now write songs and play the guitar (and of course sing) almost everyday. It lets a moment in my life to get simple and a unknown person will now it.
Sorry if I write so not great, I'm not great at anything.
When I was still 9 in 2009 in March, my mother died and sence my life has been more diffrent than it has never been in my life. My family changed, friends changed, everyone changed even me.
At the moment when I found out that my mother died, I was sad but I knew at that age my mom will die. I know it's weird to think about that a 9 year old thinks that her mom will die. Weird.
Anyway.. My mothersr funeral was at the 1st of April and it wasen't a fun day for me. I was sad all day and I even didn't go to the funeral, because I thought it was for grownups and blah blah blah.
So the next day, in 2th of April in the evening we went to Rome for a vacation to get a rest about the death of our mom and at that vacation, it wasen't good. At the time there was a protest about someting were was 2,7 million people and a earthquick what wasen't hard but my sister and dad felt it in the night.
I wanted to get a away from the thoughts of my mom and what made me sad.
In 4-5th grade, everything changed. Everyone in my school knew that my mom died and was awerd of that. No one really wanted to talk to me and wanted to hang out and chat for a bit. I felt alone. My only true freind at the time was my sister and that was it.
Older boys knew that as well and they started saying bad words about me. At the time I had short hair and I wore trosusers (school ones) and they looked very ugly but they keeped me warm. I was shy too, everyday.
People said I was ugly, weird, forthless, lesbian (because I was always with my sister) etc.
I didn't have no one at the time.
In the end of 5th grade, I took a test about going to another school and I didn't get in because the class was full at the time. I struggled again another year and it wasen't simple. I still got called by names and I didn't have a lot of friends. I only then had one real friend. Her name is Mari-Ann and she is still my great friend how I know.
I finally got in after 6th grade and everything is more fine. I made friends, I got to do fun stuff and really talk to people personly. It is great here.
At the time I am in this school, I think about my mom mre often than I never had.
I started to think I am worthless and a little girl how lives here and doesn't have a proper life. I want to die sonetimes and kill myself, cut myself etc.
I'm desspred everyday. I think I don't a have positive thing about me and I can't do nothing right.
Let's say, I have depression and I don't like it sometimes.
Some people think, how's like to be that and let's say, it is a deep tunnel where is no end and you feel sad and angry about yourself for a long time.
I can tell you this that I have cut myself.
I always loved singing from a young age and when I was little, I made up my own songs in estonian and english. I loved it but I never wrote it down.
I now write songs and play the guitar (and of course sing) almost everyday. It lets a moment in my life to get simple and a unknown person will now it.
Sorry if I write so not great, I'm not great at anything.
via Social Anxiety Forum http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f35/i-have-hateed-my-myself-my-story-401361/
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