I usually blog my stuff, but no one ever reads them, lol. Probably yet another delusion of grandeur that, temporarily, thrusts me into a fantasia and, momentarily, forgetting my reality.
I've been depressed for a long time, and in turn developed social anxiety. I've only ever had a few horrid episodes where the anxiety would turn into a full blown panic attack.
I've been alone for years. since I turned 21, everything went down hill. My girlfriend of four years left me and hooked up with another bloke straight away, whom both are now married. Gratz to them though - no bad blood, especially after so long. Had a falling out with "friends" which left me with only few friends left. Those few found girlfriends, and are now all on the marriage track. As per usual, in every circle I've been in, I've been left behind. So for the past 4-5 years I've been living in solitude. Skipping past the horrible episodes of depression that I suffered through-out, I decided I needed to do something about my situation, especially after I had dated a covert bi-polar who drove me up the wall.
I decided to start going to the Gym, and I have put on a little size so far. I decided to focus more on my business, and growing it whilst establishing a new business in the process (hopefully it takes). The few friends I do have now are more like acquaintances. The reason for this is that via Facebook correspondence everything is fine and dandy, but when it comes time for the weekends to go and hang out, no one wants to do anything. I get invited to movie nights with other couples, as a single. It's bad enough I feel the way I do - dead inside all the time - but now I have to hang around the emanating happiness of others in awe that I will never have what they have. My repulsive appearance and perhaps opposing pheromone secretion makes people look away upon first point of eye contact.
Some of my activities involved taking drugs over the years. I was especially partial to Amphetamine and Cocaine. The drugs would leave me in good states even on a comedown. I would spend the entirety of the next day in content comfort watching anime and smoking my beloved Cannabis-Sativa. No anxiety, no depression, just euphoria! Well, just as people in life come and go, leaving you behind to wallow, so do substances as well, apparently. I can't do those drugs anymore as an activity. After I scored a bad pill, which was an LSD mix, I've never been the same. I am unable to take speedy drugs because the paranoia, anxiety and overall feeling of discomfort has made the highs feel absolutely repulsive and definitely an avoidable state.
My friends left, my acquaintances are in a world I do not belong in and I can no longer use drugs. I just threw away .8 of Cocaine! And though I have other activities and pass times as well as my work, I am still worried and depressed. I'm worried because I think I'll always be alone.
After this entire rant, the overall solution is simple; I need a companion. I want to watch movies with someone! Maybe go out to dinner, I'll pay, I don't mind. I want to be able to feel that comfort in silence again that I felt when I was younger. I want a reason to continue, and even with money in my hand, I know for a fact that the answer lies in forming relationships, not financial agreements.
This life is about people, and without them, you are nothing. I'm not a millionaire, but now I understand why people say money does not buy happiness. It doesn't guys. It provides security financially, and the only emotional benefit is not having to worry about it. Believe me, money is nice to have, but people are priceless.
Please, don't ditch or burn bridges. Don't end up a sorry sob like me.
I'm 27, I have a lot of free time to pursue anything I want and I live in a great country (Australia!). I am lonely as hell, because even with all those great attributes, I have no one.
-peace
I've been depressed for a long time, and in turn developed social anxiety. I've only ever had a few horrid episodes where the anxiety would turn into a full blown panic attack.
I've been alone for years. since I turned 21, everything went down hill. My girlfriend of four years left me and hooked up with another bloke straight away, whom both are now married. Gratz to them though - no bad blood, especially after so long. Had a falling out with "friends" which left me with only few friends left. Those few found girlfriends, and are now all on the marriage track. As per usual, in every circle I've been in, I've been left behind. So for the past 4-5 years I've been living in solitude. Skipping past the horrible episodes of depression that I suffered through-out, I decided I needed to do something about my situation, especially after I had dated a covert bi-polar who drove me up the wall.
I decided to start going to the Gym, and I have put on a little size so far. I decided to focus more on my business, and growing it whilst establishing a new business in the process (hopefully it takes). The few friends I do have now are more like acquaintances. The reason for this is that via Facebook correspondence everything is fine and dandy, but when it comes time for the weekends to go and hang out, no one wants to do anything. I get invited to movie nights with other couples, as a single. It's bad enough I feel the way I do - dead inside all the time - but now I have to hang around the emanating happiness of others in awe that I will never have what they have. My repulsive appearance and perhaps opposing pheromone secretion makes people look away upon first point of eye contact.
Some of my activities involved taking drugs over the years. I was especially partial to Amphetamine and Cocaine. The drugs would leave me in good states even on a comedown. I would spend the entirety of the next day in content comfort watching anime and smoking my beloved Cannabis-Sativa. No anxiety, no depression, just euphoria! Well, just as people in life come and go, leaving you behind to wallow, so do substances as well, apparently. I can't do those drugs anymore as an activity. After I scored a bad pill, which was an LSD mix, I've never been the same. I am unable to take speedy drugs because the paranoia, anxiety and overall feeling of discomfort has made the highs feel absolutely repulsive and definitely an avoidable state.
My friends left, my acquaintances are in a world I do not belong in and I can no longer use drugs. I just threw away .8 of Cocaine! And though I have other activities and pass times as well as my work, I am still worried and depressed. I'm worried because I think I'll always be alone.
After this entire rant, the overall solution is simple; I need a companion. I want to watch movies with someone! Maybe go out to dinner, I'll pay, I don't mind. I want to be able to feel that comfort in silence again that I felt when I was younger. I want a reason to continue, and even with money in my hand, I know for a fact that the answer lies in forming relationships, not financial agreements.
This life is about people, and without them, you are nothing. I'm not a millionaire, but now I understand why people say money does not buy happiness. It doesn't guys. It provides security financially, and the only emotional benefit is not having to worry about it. Believe me, money is nice to have, but people are priceless.
Please, don't ditch or burn bridges. Don't end up a sorry sob like me.
I'm 27, I have a lot of free time to pursue anything I want and I live in a great country (Australia!). I am lonely as hell, because even with all those great attributes, I have no one.
-peace
via Social Anxiety Forum http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f26/a-little-insight-to-myself-308809/
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